Leaving you with the need to blink 2 times every nanosecond and roll your eyes into the back of your head at least every few minutes whilst in conversations, client meetings, during dinner, or any other highly inappropriate social situation. You will have permanent pink eye in one, if not both eyes. An unhealthy addiction to dry eye drops will become the only way to combat closing your eyes completely.
2. Your skin will revert back to that of a pre-pubescent teen'
Relentless breakouts, red and angry bubonic plague type boils, some seriously unhappy and unhealthy skin. Through sheer lack of time to pamper and inclination to keep on top of any kind of exfoliation or beauty routine, you will be whisked back to the cruel days when you called in sick to your Saturday job because you looked like you had facial herpes twinned with leprosy.
3. Your hands will resemble those of a fisherman
Even though you'll intend to moisturise every time you wash your hands, you'll end up doing it once a day, if that, and your once super-soft knuckles will begin to feel like massaging a lizard when you get round to giving them a bit of that much needed moisture. Holding hands with your partner, who is in an equally as scaly predicament, will become more of an inquisitive obsession of weighing up who is faring worse from this whole drama. And it's always you.
4. You will use less dry shampoo than ever
Sounds like a positive, right? Wrong. Because your hair is so thick with dust you will effectively age prematurely, and any family members who haven't seen you in a while and Skype you, politely ask if you're going grey already.
5. Your diet will go down the pan
You think because you're burning off loads of energy you deserve sweets for a quick sugary boost, kidding yourself that you've worked hard enough to burn off those 2 whole bags of jelly worms. You'll have nothing in the fridge as a 'big shop' has slipped way down the priorities list of the weekend tasks to complete. Going to the supermarket will mess up your DIY rhythm, or you'll "just get this bit done" and end up skipping meals, so you opt to snack on slightly stale dry crackers until you hit Sainsbury's, deliriously ravenous, and eat everything in sight.
6. Your feet will be the most unloved they have ever been
As if you ever had the time to give them the attention they deserved anyway, now you barely think of them at all. It's only at the first sign of sunshine and prospect of open-toed sandals that you suddenly realise how much you have neglected them. You don't even remember what wearing nail polish felt like, let alone see the point in it anymore.
7. You will be paler than pale
Due to all that time spent indoors and foregoing normal outdoor weekend plans with friends, you miss sunshine and vitamin D, and may even develop rickets. Remember that time you used to use tinted moisturiser all over for a healthy year-round glow? Forget it. You'll become a human dust trap as soon as anything remotely sticky is slapped on your skin.
8. Frozen vegetables suddenly become acceptable to eat
You once scrunched up your nose at the notion of rubbery carrots, overcooked morsels and a ridiculous ratio of cauliflower to anything else in a bag of mixed frozen veg. Now it's the cuisine of choice - quick and easy, why didn't we ever think of this before? Microwaveable rice, a curry sauce, why did we bother with all that overrated fresh stuff?
9. DIY makes PMT ten times worse
You wake up and you just know right away that you're in a shitty mood. You can see and hear yourself being shitty, your wonderful husband is slogging away which makes you cry because he's just so amazing and you feel so useless, which in turn makes you feel even more shitty. You have to take a few moments in a darkened room, have a word with yourself and emerge for a dusty cuddle which instantly makes everything better, and you then think you're an absolute prat for your self-depreciating blip. Oh how sadly predictable.
10. You will feel overwhelmed from time to time with pure happiness
This one you'll be least expecting as you'll have bigged this experience up to be the most testing and stressful journey you and your partner have ever embarked on and more than enough people are waiting in the wings to say "we told you so". However, almost every day you'll stand back and look at what you've accomplished just the two of you, you'll have your combined vision in mind even though the end isn't in sight, and you'll smile, because this journey, against all odds, is bringing you closer together, is somehow giving you purpose, is cementing your little lives together, and making some incredible memories to cherish.
